A Mens' Group

Sunday, May 20, windy, cool, cloudy, the weather continues to be miserable
The time passes slowly.
No real exchange of closeness through thoughts, discussions or meetings with any female. Floating in the ocean of life, not tethered to anything solid. The only thing solid in my life is my faith and belief in my self. It is a chance to be alone with myself. It would be nice to share with someone but not essential at the moment.
I am anticipating a phone call from Susan, the bird lady. It might not happen but it would be nice if it did. It would give my mind a focus away from the other Susan.
I expect, she is still struggling with her decision. I would think that her surgery has been successful and not a concern anymore. Her time and freedom from required work deadlines may be a cause for concern to her. It will be interesting to see if she will have the courage to call. I do not know if this is just a temporary blip in our relationship with her running away from something very stable and reliable or as she states toward a new experience. I should call her next week if she does not call before then. I feel it will not be a show of weakness on my part. I will have to talk with Cheryl about this situation to get her point of view. She suggested that Susan may just be testing me.
Who knows, I certainly do not, I will just do what I feel and think is correct for me under these circumstances. I am actually living a full and meaningful life as it is. I have to be aware of what my insecurities are saying I should be doing and what is normal for me to be doing. Thinking I should be doing something because I believe that other people expect me to do these things to be normal, is a fool's game. Although I never saw myself as normal I have to careful not to feel bad because I am not doing all the things that could be done. Flying, golfing, reading, writing and enjoying myself with movies would seem to be more than most people are doing in their lives. The relaxed state that I am in at the moment in my life is something that most people would give a great deal for. The money situation is great at the moment, although I would like to sell another home, it is not necessary for my self esteem. Even the money is not required at the moment. I am fine without it. The sales will come. The meetings and interest by the potential buyers are increasing. I acknowledge the old fear that I am not doing enough or not being enough will always be with me. I will have to be aware that this will always play a part in my emotional stability and actions.
Derek will have to acknowledge the stresses in his life before he hurts himself. I hope that he has not gotten himself into an untenable situation in his life.
Fred has secluded himself within his belief that the less he shares, the better the situation will be. He is concentrating on the new granddaughter. His belief that his son in law will continue to be problem will probably be true.
Tuesday, May 22. Sunny, no wind +22 a beautiful day after a week of wind and cool temperatures
The days are long and the nights are longer. This disengagement from Susan is a continuing concern to me. I had a discussion with Cheryl this afternoon to gain her insight of what Susan is doing, thinking and feeling. It gave me a better perspective of the situation.
We talked a little of her feelings for Daryl and other men in her life. Her life is so good it is frightening, she said.
Still do not know whether I will call Susan today to chat.
I arranged for a coffee meet with Shirley on Thursday before she goes off to San Francisco to see her sister. Her friend Susan, the bird lady, still has not called.
Cory called last night to discuss his new bike that he is picking up on Wednesday. While biking he managed to strain some muscles in his back last week, had some x-rays taken on Friday. The doctor gave him some instructions on taking care of his back plus some medication for a week or two. He said that he is taking his birthday off to enjoy a good meal and entertainment. I said he was worth it.
Dana should be working and getting back involved with life.
I am looking forward to lunch with Mom on Wednesday.
The weather should bring out the buyers this week. The outside construction workers are really enjoying the great weather. They are getting in as many work days as possible.
My new client should contact John today to finalize the agreement for her new home. Just in time for a pay check for the end of the month. If this happens I will get the car tuned up, new clutch at the end of the month and then take a golfing trip for a couple of days.
Cheryl's suggestion that I make it clear to Susan that I value the relationship we had, is a valuable and real insight into how she may be thinking. I will have to think more about making such a statement, even though it is true. What a complicated life we lead as we get more knowledgeable and have greater insight. Perhaps it is wiser to stay ignorant and uncooperative. It may not be more productive but at least we will have more excuses when it fails. But alas, ideas once understood and realized cannot be forgotten. I will have to come to terms on what will be lost or gained if I call her up to discuss how she is. Will a lesson be learned better in a vacuum then it can be learned in participation with another person?
May 23, Wednesday, +28, sunny and quite warm, a beautiful spring day
Well this is Cory's birthday, 27 years old this morning. He is starting to get old, starting to feel aches and pains from strenuous work. He is going to take the day off he said. I hope that Eleanor, his girlfriend, treats him well today.
Dana should do something with Cory if he is not working on a film set. Perhaps it is better that he be working than spending the time walking about and feeling frustrated.
I had a good lunch with Mother. A bit of a chore considering the mood I am in with all the frustrations I am feeling with Susan.
I have called Susan several times over the last two days but she has not been home or is not answering the phone. I finally left a message stating that I did not think she was still talking to me. She called back to say that she is doing the correct thing. I am not even sure that I know what correct thing she is doing. I will have to ask her if she knows what it is. I am feeling better having heard from her but this still does not address the problem between us. Many thoughts and perceptions are present in my mind at the moment.
I am having coffee with Shirley on Thursday, to catch up on her thoughts. I have no idea how she is handling my request to get her friend Susan to call me. She can get angry, hold a grudge and not show it. I have seen her do it before. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. If it does not work out at least I will have the war wounds to display.
I did up a quote on a home in a developed area but will not present it until next week when I have the real costs for the removal of the home that is currently on the lot. The couple seems amenable to guaranteeing the price for a December build with a deposit and an agreement. A second couple picked up a quote for a home they want built north of town on an acreage. I had talked to them a month age; they contacted John and insisted that we quote on their home. They have two other quotes that are both less than ours but they are aware of our quality. They also have a budget they want to stick to. I know that budgets sometimes get changed when the real value is perceived. They will get back to us either way on Friday when they have made a decision. They are anxious to get going. This sale would be a pleasant development.
There are many irons in the fire so the agreements should start occurring soon. Then I can pamper my car.
Thursday, May 24. Sunny with some winds, smoke in the air from bush fire up north +24
Shirley and I had a pleasant coffee in the morning. She and Devin are off to San Francisco for the weekend. We discussed several items before I shared with her what had happened between Susan and me. She was sympathetic and apologized for her response when I talked to her on the phone about her friend.
Shirley told me she had passed on my interest to her friend along with my phone number. She responded pleasantly to the news of my interest. She is in the busy “traveling” time of her work. Shirley gave me her home phone number and suggested I give her a phone call. I will do that later on Friday or during the weekend. Managed to contact Susan and arranged a coffee date for later this evening. After talking with Shirley I am in a better and more settled frame of mind. I will be able to spend some time with Susan to express a few thought about what I see happening as well as asking her what her beliefs are at the present time. I am willing to fight for a continued relationship with this woman, to a certain point. I am aware that I may not have fought hard enough for some of my previous relationships. I gave them up to the common wisdom and what “will be will” be attitude. It will be interesting to see how Susan reacts to these statements. I am not sure whether this is all game playing, Should it be game playing all the time? Is it necessary for a relationship to continue to exist? Why is there a continual need to be pushing or pulling the other person to create an atmosphere or a direction that is exciting or alluring instead of “just being” is an interesting question. Creating activity or a positive vision instead of just being; which causes a feeling of not having a fulfilled life may be unfair but may be a requirement for a great relationship. Being fair may not be all it is cracked up to be.
Derek responded to my phone call. He has returned from the south trip, relaxed and happy. We are to get together next week for breakfast or perhaps golf.
The smoke in the air and the stronger winds may prevent me from flying in the morning. If I cannot, I will drive out of town and go golfing in the morning.
In the afternoon I spent a few moments sitting in the new 172 at the flying club and acquainting myself with the airplane. It is not much different than the previous plane but the greater horsepower will require being checked out in it.
Saturday, May 24, sunny with smoke haze in the air from a fire to the north, +24
Well, I had the coffee meeting with Susan Thursday evening. We were both nervous but I was quite aggressive in stating my position that I loved her and I was willing to fight for this relationship. She was quite startled but still unsure. She was not able to explain what she wanted other than something that we did not have. She wants to experience more. I was taken aback when she told me that she had gone out on date with someone else. She said that his attempt to kiss her startled her. It was a quick reminder, to her, that there is something I have that others do not have. I reminded her that she would have to kiss all the toads out there to have chance to fall in love with a prince. She is not willing to do this at the moment. She said that she did not want to date again; just a statement I assume. We discussed the changes that had occurred in our relationship and how it affected both of us. The lack of commitment from her was a little eye opening. I fell back into the habit of appeasing her and not stating my limits to her. I thought she was wiser than that but it seems that is what women or people want. My decision not to move closer to her home had an effect on her. She drifted away because she felt we were not spending enough time together. Her trip up north with her friend, Ann, to see Mathew, her grandson, and the North Country in June will help her come to terms with how I figure in her life.
I still miss her but the feeling is different than the fear I felt before.
She has suggested some alternatives to being apart, like traveling South for an overnight for golf and to sleep together just for the sex; also going to a school reunion for the fun of it as a friend and to sleep together again. I said no to all of these because I feel that she is just testing. I also do not feel like being used. The teasing she did to try to get me to kiss her in public and then turning her head away when I offered in the parking lot proved it. I told her what I would do but would not tell her what she should do. I did not mention Susan, the bird lady, not that there is anything to mention yet. A chat with the bird lady would be a nice diversion.
The mens' group was enjoyable.
Warren shared with us his attempt to be more intimate with Sally and the subsequent heavy emotional pressure that was created because her statements, expectations and conditions. He said that it took a couple of days to come to terms with their discussion.
We played several great games of squash on Saturday.
Susan had expressed the feeling that I was more interested in playing squash with Warren that raquetball with her during the years we were together. This statement was very painful to hear but I later realized this was part of her turning away.
I spent Friday playing a round of golf at Victoria with two senior fellows and younger guy. We had a great time as we walked the 18 holes.
I was able to try out several things and had an enjoyable game. In the evening I treated myself to a base ball game with a beer and a hot dog. There even was time for a nap in the afternoon.
Sunday, May 27, +21, sunny but very windy
My anxiety stemming from Susan's actions are lessening.
I had supper last night, coffee and read the paper outside on a fine May evening.
I left a message for Susan, the bird lady, for her to call today if she wished.
The day started out quite beautifully, sunny and warm. A very strong south east wind came up in the afternoon. At least it will help contain the fire north of the city. This new wind direction will blow the fire back on itself.
Cheryl is having supper because Lesel, her sister, is in town for a short holiday. Her family will be there to help the celebration.
Mother should be in a difficult mood again, now that Cheryl has quit her job, yet again, at the hostel and taken another job.
The traffic at the showhome has been consistent in spite of the wind. I have some good comments from clients but no real interest in building a home.
I sure hope that Susan, the bird lady, calls for a chat and a confirmation that she is interested in further interaction with me. Perhaps she is out of town at the moment?
I will have to look into apartments for rent on the north side before the end of the month so I am able to give notice if the rental prices become unreasonable. July 1 is on a Sunday which would make the Friday move on my day off quite easy. The area that I am in at the moment is starting to acquire too many old cars and trucks.
The music people from downstairs will not improve their attitude, I am quite sure.
Perhaps it is time to move back to the south side.
I will arrange for some service to be done on my car, tune up and a new clutch at the end of the week. The car will be more reliable and it will be possible to go out of town to do some golfing on a Friday.
With Susan traveling up north it will eliminate any possibilities of going together.